she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
