Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
