You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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