A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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