Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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