my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
