38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
