I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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