I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
