wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
