The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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