sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
