had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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