I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
