dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
