I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
