I looked at my own cervix.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
