Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
