I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
