I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
