saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize