I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
