The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
