I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
