someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
