Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
