that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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