Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
