he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
