not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
