apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
