He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
