when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
