She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
