ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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