i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
