You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
