I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
