sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
