Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
