DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
