Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
