i jhust puked up my retainher.
pop tarts are not kleenex
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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