He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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