There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
operation have a gay friend backfired
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
