I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
