i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Found the puke drawer
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
