Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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