he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
