i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
